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I m 23 years old. I have never been in a relationship and have not dated much. When I tell this to people, they get weirded out. Do you guys think that this odd? Is this normal of INFJs? If you were dating someone and they told you that they are 23 and have never been in a relationship what do you feel your internal reaction would be? would you be intimidated to be there first?
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Re: Would appreciate your input...
Sun, October 18, 2009 - 9:33 AMDeedush,
I have never dated anyone either. INFJs are like this because they (well at least me) are very selective of the person they date. If I am going to date someone, I would have to at least be able to see marriage as a possibility.
I am all or nothing. If there is no possibility of marriage, then I am wasting my time. Casual dating is not for me. But when I do finally choose a partner, she would have to be just as bad ass, and I would give my best to her.
I would at the same time let her do her thing. I am independent and I would let her have her space. Holding hands, making out in public, and all those other non-sensical displays of infatuation are not my style and I hate when I see it.
My answer is therefore NO, I would not be weirded out nor intimidated. -
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Re: Would appreciate your input...
Sun, October 18, 2009 - 12:49 PMYou would see it as a 'normal' thing. An estp, for instance, might think you're nuts or that there's some hidden problem that needs solving (not that you ought to care, of course).
Just out of curiosity : how fast do you realize that the person is not a potential partner? -
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Re: Would appreciate your input...
Sun, October 18, 2009 - 7:49 PMIf she is not an ESTP. I would only date an ESTP-opposites attract.
I am great at spotting personality types in people quickly.
Also if she is dating someone already or is my cousin.
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Re: Would appreciate your input...
Mon, October 19, 2009 - 9:23 AMThe advantage to relationship experience is that you learn how not to irritate your partner and when they're irritated how to avoid making it worse. You learn how to disagree without it turning into a fight, and you learn how to fight without hurting one another. Most folks learn that through trial and error.
When I was 23 I'd have no problem with dating a gal who had never been through any of that. I was several gal's first love ;)
Nowadays I'm old and grouchy and don't have the patience for relationship games that people play, so I'd require a potential date to read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" (Gray) and "The Road Less Travelled" (Peck) as pre-requisites to dating me. Read those and you'll be ahead of 90% of the population when it comes to avoiding silly relationship mistakes :) -
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Re: Would appreciate your input...
Mon, October 19, 2009 - 11:09 AMMy point was : do you instinctively sense from the very beginning a potential partner? do you ever mistake people and things for what they are not? -
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Re: Would appreciate your input...
Mon, October 19, 2009 - 11:41 AMAbsolutely yes. To both your questions.
I can tell very quickly how well I'm going to get along with someone and what our relationship (in the generic sense, not in the dating sense) would be like. A few minutes of conversation is usually enough for me to get a pretty good feeling for what the other person is like. I'm seldom wrong about the big picture, i.e. whether I'm likely to be really good friends with someone or not.
What I'm often wrong about are the details. I'm really bad about seeing the things I want to see in other people rather than seeing what is really there. I see INFJ traits in people who are not INFJ's. I've had to learn to ask myself, "Is this really there or do I just want it to be there?"
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Re: Would appreciate your input...
Mon, October 19, 2009 - 12:07 PMHmm...I wouldn't think there was anything wrong with you Ashley. My husband is an ENTP and didn't date until early 20's (actually he never dated just had 'experiences') as he was so into extreme sports and getting into trouble. I on the other hand had most of my experiences from age 14 to 16 mostly because I didn't project living past my 20's.
**"do you instinctively sense from the very beginning a potential partner? do you ever mistake people and things for what they are not?"**
Goodness, I hope so to both. If you didn't have a feeling then what would be the use in continuing forward and if one believed they never made mistakes, well then they wouldn't be able to learn.
I do put way more stock into building from a friendship-feeling rather the just having an initial romantic feeling. A romantic feeling can be overlayed onto someone who simply looks pleasing or generates a sexual energy and may have little to do with seeing the actual person for who they are. If you really enjoy someones company, have a great time with them, stimulate each other in conversation, respect each other (rather then arrogantly looking down at them or yourself) then those are good indications of arrows to follow which then may lead to a deeper friendship or to something much much more. -
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Re: Would appreciate your input...
Mon, October 19, 2009 - 2:51 PMAnd how do you distinguish from the very beginning mere sexual attraction from 'romantic feelings' ?
++I on the other hand had most of my experiences from age 14 to 16 mostly because I didn't project living past my 20's. ++
Why? -
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Re: Would appreciate your input...
Mon, October 19, 2009 - 7:14 PM**"And how do you distinguish from the very beginning mere sexual attraction from 'romantic feelings"**
Ashley, funny thing, I was was actually sexually and romantically attracted to my ex-hubby well, attraction is pretty easy when you are a teen, lol. After 4yrs living together we married and I filed for divorce 4 years after that. Was the initial attraction wrong? No, but why was I in a relationship at that time? Well it was to feel needed, to have someone there and we both came from messed up childhoods and needed someone to hang onto why we navigated young adulthood.
It was great for what and when it was and most likely we helped each other survive until we could stand on our own. When we were able to do that we were no longer compatible - the relationship no longer served us. So, there was no right or wrong to how one feels initially it is simply what does want from the relationship.
[[YOU ARE PROBABLY MUCH WISER AND MORE BALANCED THEN I WAS AS A MESSED UP TEEN SO YOU ARE ALREADY WAY AHEAD OF THE CURVE WHEN IT COMES TO FINDING YOUR MATCH.]]
I found that I loved being alone so swore off men for anything but friends until the HE came along. I did feel mutual sexual and romantic attraction for some men, usually do to their virility and/or 'cause they were just good guys but as I got to know them as friends I knew they were not my IT. 15 yrs ago,suddenly out of the blue, my best Kung Fu buddy (now hubby) and I realized our year long friendship had suddenly shifted to another level. We've been together ever since.
MORAL OF THE STORY, I can't know how it will be for you or anyone else but you will attract to you what you expect and why not go for your version of the gold. If like me you were first and foremost looking for a best friend why not start there. If that is your starting point when the energy changes you will find each other the most beautiful and attractive beings on the planet.
p.s. Why didn't I think I'd be alive past 20'?. Most of my family had died tragically before age 30 (self imposed and/or Huntingtons chorea) and I was more familiar with survival then actual living. -
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Re: Would appreciate your input...
Thu, October 22, 2009 - 11:41 AMOh, my, I really doubt that I'm ballanced (this is however something that I often strive for). When I was a teen I used to think sexual attraction and 'feelings' should go hand in had and if I could't 'communicate' with the person on multiple levels it's not enough . Later I got to believe they were 2 distinct things and finally I gather it all turns down to attraction - the rest is what our minds build on this. Now that also depends on what 'objective reality' allows us to construct subjectively, of course.
Do you easily get out of relationhips? They say INFJs generally have difficulties moving on, even when the relationship has dried and there's nothing more to learn. They say they have 'symbiotic connections' with people (though it's never been clear to me if they feed on other people or it's vice-versa :). Do you really first and foremost look for a best friend in relationships?
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Re: Would appreciate your input...
Mon, October 19, 2009 - 3:04 PMHi :)
I don't think this is weird at all. At 23, the people around you are hardly capable of giving you what you deserve in a relationship. It is still a young age, in my opinion, and if you are very future-oriented, I don't see why you would want to mess around with petty relationships or play games. I have met many people who are my age or older and haven't dated, and my initial opinion of them typically didn't change, unless I earned more respect for them.
Katia
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Re: Would appreciate your input...
Sat, October 24, 2009 - 8:07 PMI dated later than my friends by a couple of years, that was because everyone thought I was weird though, turns out Im just an INFJ lol
