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Always felt like I was different, on the outside looking in, looking through the window at a party going on inside. Apparently there is approximately only 1% of us within the population? I guess that's why I find it difficult to relate to anyone. Read alot of your posts about feeling different, for the first time I realized I was not alone, there are others who feel the same, interact the same and just generally do the same stuff as myself without feeling like they are going mad.
I did alot of stuff I regret, trying to fit in, being what people wanted to get love or approval, even recognition. I became very good at reading people, and then I guess like a chamelion being what they wanted, adapting myself to the situation, measuring my responses, my body language. I felt so false, like a cardboard cutout, in the end I guess I was never really there.
There is always too much in my head. Taking things and breaking them down into particles and atoms, but in the end I feel frustrated, no one else gets it, its like walking in a world that so dull, seeing everying in brilliant colour but everyone else sees black and white.
And my point is this, Is this it, do we/I just live with this, trying to hold everything in and fit in?
I did alot of stuff I regret, trying to fit in, being what people wanted to get love or approval, even recognition. I became very good at reading people, and then I guess like a chamelion being what they wanted, adapting myself to the situation, measuring my responses, my body language. I felt so false, like a cardboard cutout, in the end I guess I was never really there.
There is always too much in my head. Taking things and breaking them down into particles and atoms, but in the end I feel frustrated, no one else gets it, its like walking in a world that so dull, seeing everying in brilliant colour but everyone else sees black and white.
And my point is this, Is this it, do we/I just live with this, trying to hold everything in and fit in?
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Re: Is this it!
Thu, July 30, 2009 - 6:55 PMJeez Paula I felt like I was reading my journals, from back in the day, when I read your post. Being empathic as well as INFJ (maybe they go together) I fully relate to what you wrote. I used to say that I was what was left when all the cookies had been cut out - I could blend and fit in better then any of the others but I unfortunately had very little ego/sense of self. And the mind used to be zipping and analyzing and breaking everything down. Plus I was hyper-aware of others energy and feelings in order to stay safe (rough childhood). Yet, the people around me just saw a respectful, smiley and supportive person. They all thought I was happy and calm, lol!!!
I also so love the quantum world of particles and atoms and quarks and nothingness :) At least there is a basic simple purity to it. When the mind/sense of self/ego is already so spread out it makes it easy to blend with others and see the code creating the matrix but it is also way too expansive for that fragile expanded self. Most see the world as constructs and things but some see it as amazing particles of energy pinging fast or very slowly against each other or simply as vibrating frequencies of light. It's hard to ground when we see the colorful code behind it all so most people come in blocking that knowledge and for some reason some of us didn't.
The zen saying, "Be in the world not of the world" I think needs to be changed for some of us to "Be in the world and pretend you are of the world." The difference, I see, between us and some others is that they've turned down the expanded self knob too much - and we somehow turned the knob up too far the other way. In tuning it into a balanced frequency we can still utilize the gifts we see in ourselves yet stay balanced on this here Gaia. -
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Re: Is this it!
Fri, July 31, 2009 - 4:43 PMThanks Mitch, after some violent relationships, I also learnt what to do to stay safe, perhaps too kind are we? Never creating a fuss, easily overlooked. Not that I mind, I liked being left alone, didn't like attention, still struggle with my self esteem and sense of self as you wrote. always doubting that I am good enough, but I am good at caring for others, perhaps that is why I am good in my job and studies of psychology.
Many thanks -
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Re: Is this it!
Mon, August 24, 2009 - 4:03 AMWow Paula! Too forgiving too, ready to apologise for hurts, mostly notional ones too at that...unforgiving, harsh on self...always wondering what could have made it better...and grinning like an idiot when someone says you are emotionally unavailable while hurting inside like you are on fire...wanting the whole world to be a happy, bigger, larger place for humanity...my thoughts? go easy. Easier said than done, and look who's talking, really...But I have learnt that the heart heals if we can truly believe and tell ourselves we are good enough..that it doesnt matter if others dont 'get' you, or love yu enough to rise up to your standards...yu gotta love yrself, go easy on you. Of course it hurts when yu have to suffer and give up on your ideal because of someone else's immaturity but hey, c'est also la vie :) keep that chin up, always!!
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Unsu...
Re: Is this it!
Thu, July 30, 2009 - 9:06 PMPaula,
First of all, I love that kind of sad sexy picture (it is incredibly INFJ).
Second of all, do not look at this in a bad way. See yourself as being one of the few bright idealistic people in a dull crowd. Know that you are courageous for just being naturally different, but, at the same time, know that there are people who are even more different and have an even harder time fitting in (like people with disabilities, religions, etc.). No one way, temperament, or attitude (psychologically speaking) is better than any other. Contribute where you can. -
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Re: Is this it!
Fri, July 31, 2009 - 7:41 PMAmen Ed, I love being me! Although I don't see the others in the crowd as dull, quite the opposite, I find them fascinating. Guess I read too much Desmond Morris [The Naked Ape], lol.
I was a natural too, Paula, at counseling and support then decided to do online schooling and spend more time away from people and viola I found I could do all those support things for myself and I didn't even miss working much around others. I even got healthier and more balanced. It seems easier sometimes to support others then to spend the time on ourselves (sometimes their desires sound/feel louder then our own) 'and we often don't want the drama of them not getting their needs met. Now I say, "Maybe they need this particular drama but I don't need to be around it."
I love that we are all different and that I am special like everyone else but I sure enjoy who I am and how I function in the world. In the past I couldn't say that and used to balance feelings of self deprecation with calling myself special but now I don't think it's important to be ahead, behind or in the middle of the herd. I'm just a herd all by myself - a legend in my own mind ;D My ENTP husband has been a legend in his own mind his whole life and he always have a lot of fun and lets most things roll off him...I'm learning...
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Re: Is this it!
Sun, August 2, 2009 - 2:02 PMThanks Ed, good reminder to think of others less fortunate. Was feeling very isolated but glad I reached out and found this website. Knowing I can read and relate to others who feel and think the same is very comforting and inspiring.
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Re: Is this it!
Sun, August 2, 2009 - 9:42 AM
