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I am curious how other INFJ mothers parent. I have a 5 yr old son and I notice how differently I parent than most other people. In fact it is constantly pointed out to me by family and friends. I have 3 piles of parenting books that have been gifted to me. Ironically these same people tell me what a great parent I am.
I am very protective, but I allow my son his freedom to make his own choices and mistakes. He is very into sports and has A LOT of energy so I encourage whatever activity he is interested in even if it's something I have no interest in. I will say that I am very critical of my spouse and other people if they have to be responsible for him and I usually will take care of everything myself, I don't trust them to do the right thing. I am very involved in his school activities and go over all his work he brings home and if there is something I don't understand then I will ask his teachers the next day. I save all his work in file folders and hang his art everywhere. If he says a teacher scolded him then I will ask her why and I will always question adults involved if he has an issue. I notice most people trust the adults over the child. I tell them that he is my child and they are basically a stranger, why would I trust them over him? We have a very strange and trusting relationship and we both feel each others moods and compensate, he also will say things out loud that I am thinking or feeling and vice versa. He is very much a normal 5 year old that gets in trouble, does crazy stunts, says words he knows he shouldn't and sometimes pushes my buttons to pick a fight for amusement, but sometimes I feel like the crazy doting parent and then I remember that this won't last for long and he will be an adult soon. I have to say that I am also adopted and he is my only child and so sometimes I feel as though he is my only real connection to humanity and I know that's not a fair thing to put on another person so I try to really control those thoughts and emotions because I want him to be a very independent, competent and happy person.
I will say that when I was pregnant my doctor asked if I had any fears that I wanted to talk about and I said yes, I have 2.
1. That the baby will be born both genders and I will have to choose which one and I will choose the wrong one and then they will live their whole life trying to be someone they are not and it will be my fault.
- He assured me that wasn't going to happen and they now have some genetic studies that confirm which gender the child is.
2. That I would pour all my heart and energy into someone that will just end up leaving and hating me.
I am curious how other INFJ mothers feel and behave with their children and if I'm just being neurotic.
I am very protective, but I allow my son his freedom to make his own choices and mistakes. He is very into sports and has A LOT of energy so I encourage whatever activity he is interested in even if it's something I have no interest in. I will say that I am very critical of my spouse and other people if they have to be responsible for him and I usually will take care of everything myself, I don't trust them to do the right thing. I am very involved in his school activities and go over all his work he brings home and if there is something I don't understand then I will ask his teachers the next day. I save all his work in file folders and hang his art everywhere. If he says a teacher scolded him then I will ask her why and I will always question adults involved if he has an issue. I notice most people trust the adults over the child. I tell them that he is my child and they are basically a stranger, why would I trust them over him? We have a very strange and trusting relationship and we both feel each others moods and compensate, he also will say things out loud that I am thinking or feeling and vice versa. He is very much a normal 5 year old that gets in trouble, does crazy stunts, says words he knows he shouldn't and sometimes pushes my buttons to pick a fight for amusement, but sometimes I feel like the crazy doting parent and then I remember that this won't last for long and he will be an adult soon. I have to say that I am also adopted and he is my only child and so sometimes I feel as though he is my only real connection to humanity and I know that's not a fair thing to put on another person so I try to really control those thoughts and emotions because I want him to be a very independent, competent and happy person.
I will say that when I was pregnant my doctor asked if I had any fears that I wanted to talk about and I said yes, I have 2.
1. That the baby will be born both genders and I will have to choose which one and I will choose the wrong one and then they will live their whole life trying to be someone they are not and it will be my fault.
- He assured me that wasn't going to happen and they now have some genetic studies that confirm which gender the child is.
2. That I would pour all my heart and energy into someone that will just end up leaving and hating me.
I am curious how other INFJ mothers feel and behave with their children and if I'm just being neurotic.
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Re: INFJ mothers / parents
Sun, October 4, 2009 - 8:56 PMwow. that's a first.
:D
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Re: INFJ mothers / parents
Mon, October 5, 2009 - 6:55 AMI'm certainly not a mother, and I'm not yet a father either (though Sarah and I are discussing that)... however, I don't think I would be any different as a parent.
Then again, I'm half adopted, too.
Frankly, I think most parents don't take parenting seriously enough. For me, my child(ren) would be my #1 priority. What is best for them would come before anything else. And that doesn't mean giving them everything they want. That's hardly what's best for them. Figuring out what is actually best for them is, I think, agonizingly difficult.
To me, Shifty, the fact that you stress out about what is best for your child so much is a good sign. You can babysit for me anytime :)
Got a question for you, though: How did you know when you were ready to have a kid? -
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Re: INFJ mothers / parents
Mon, October 5, 2009 - 6:18 PMWell to be honest, I knew I was ready when I found out I was pregnant.
I didn't really "plan" it, in fact I was actively trying to prevent it, but... you know...
I will say that I was at a place in my life where I felt grounded and my life was very stable. I had been with Robert for 5 years and married for 1. I had a great full time job at a children's hospital with excellent insurance and benefits, I felt my life was very secure and stable and I was very happy. It wasn't something I really thought about, but it was strangely perfect timing. I think you can over think this sort of thing. There are tons of pros and cons. I would say that the biggest thing to consider is the fact that you will be forever linked to the person you choose to have the baby with, no matter what, you will have to work with that person on the most important thing you could ever imagine so you have to know the person and trust them. It is like handing my heart to someone every time I leave him, I never knew that I could love someone like I love my son, the word love even fails to describe what I feel for him.
When a lot of friends or relatives try to tell me that I am too protective or that I need to just find a babysitter and learn to trust others I relate something that I think they will understand better.
I tell them :
"It takes a minimum of $18,000 a year to raise a child. He is 5 years old, so I have a question for you, who would you trust with a briefcase filled with $90,000? Not the 17 year old down the street right? Well why the hell would I trust her with my son if you wouldn't even trust her with your money? "
This kind of puts things in perspective for most people.
I will say that I do trust some people very close to me, the same people I trust with my heart, home and yes money.
I think you have to think about that when you are considering who you will be having a baby with. Them, their family, their friends, their perception of what a mom or parent is.
It's a big thing.
But boy is it FUN!
:D
I highly recommend it! -
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Re: INFJ mothers / parents
Mon, October 5, 2009 - 6:40 PMHere are some financial links that I find interesting. 18k a year may be a bit high, but I'm just trying to make a point.
BTW this should not discourage you from having a child. My grandfather said it best when I kinda freaked out about expenses.
" If you wait to have kids when you can afford them, then you will never have them". You will always somehow make it work and learn what is important and what is not :)
www.time.com/time/magazi...6278,00.html
www.babycenter.com/cost-of-...alculator
moneycentral.msn.com/content...7245.asp
ohmygov.com/blogs/genera...-a-child.aspx
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Re: INFJ mothers / parents
Wed, October 7, 2009 - 9:06 AMThanks, Shifty. I'm starting to come to the same conclusions and it's very reassuring to hear someone else say the same things :)
My good friend Mike just had his first child, and is now insisting that everyone he knows have kids, too. (my friends all did the same thing when they got married). In fact, the last time I say him that's all he wanted to talk about: why I should have kids. His big selling point: "It's really not that bad." I nearly cracked up. Now I can see why he didn't make it very long as a car salesman ;)
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Re: INFJ mothers / parents
Wed, October 7, 2009 - 7:51 AMI'm not yet a parent , but I did enjoy reading the parenting books "Nurture by Nature" by Paul D. Tieger, Barbara Barron-Tieger, and E. Michael Ellovich, as well as "MotherStyles: Using Personality Type to Discover Your Parenting Strengths" by Penley and Eble. I was trying to understand my mother's mothering style (ESTJ) and why I was raised the way I was - it was VERY, VERY difficult for me - and my potential mothering style (INTP/INFP). Both gave some very interesting insights into how childrens' different personality types start to manifest themselves, so that you can identify what type your particular child is and parent them according to their unique emotional and intellectual needs, as well some common habits, strengths and pitfalls of certain personality types and the way that they parent. For example, if you are a "P" parent that has a "J" child, it will be a challenge for you as that type of child needs routine and structure and you may not necessarily be a structured person, or vice versa, as it was in my case - having a "J" parent that forced the structure on me and would not let me be "P." When you are younger it is a bit easier to accept your parents, but in the preteen-teen years, it can be really hard if your parent doesn't see what you are and raise you accordingly.
In the "MotherStyles" book, there is a section for Fathers and their types which I also found interesting, in thinking about a potential father for my future children. There are some unique pressures especially faced by NF men as parents as they don't fit the United States' stereotypical macho, often absent, non-expressive, non-nurturing, non-crying male model of a personality type, and sometimes feel pressure to conform. I was very satisfied with reading both books and think you might find them interesting.
My 2 cents.... -
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Re: INFJ mothers / parents
Wed, October 7, 2009 - 7:42 PMShifting, I often ask this same question to other INFJ's and sensitive people. The INFJ's I know opted not to have kids so haven't gotten too many replies with my question.
Personally, at 18yrs I had a very strong feeling that I should not have a child - I knew it was not something I would take lightly...as if I take anything lightly! And I wanted to be 100% in or out as well as I wanted that from my partner. I love the little cuties but already had way to much life experience and responsibility by the age of 18 yrs. I have been a stand-in mom to my niece over the years. Whenever my niece did live with us (and later with her with her new baby) I found that I took on too much responsibility. I wasn't very good at just watching her fall on her face in order to learn...aaagghh! Like my husband, she learned best by falling on her face...a foreign concept to me as I learn best from watching others fall on their face. Husband had to keep reminding me that she was being a normal teen...another foreign concept to me 'cause I never was.
I bet you are a great Mom Shifting, with your attention to the care of your baby. Well not a baby anymore, a kindergartener!
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Re: INFJ mothers / parents
Tue, October 13, 2009 - 12:26 PMThis is why the concept of motherhood sends me into a panic. People think it's selfishness, but it's really that I'm not sure I'd be good enough. I'm old enough, and even if I were in a financial position to take care of a child, and married, I still think I couldn't do it. I know I would (want to) do exactly what you are saying, and I'm not sure if I would be able to handle the anxiety. But I'm also glad there are parents like you, who take it as seriously as it SHOULD be...honestly, sometimes I want to kidnap my sister's kids, because I see so many irresponsible things she does that I am afraid will affect them negatively. They weren't planned, she was really young when she had them, and she was in no way financially or psychologically ready. It frustrates me.
Interesting, I'm adopted too...I think I also would be REALLY attached to my child (biological or adopted) and I'd be kind of afraid of overdoing that.
The whole thing terrifies me, and it's amazing to me people are so casual about the whole thing. Good for you for being involved!
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Re: INFJ mothers / parents
Tue, October 13, 2009 - 12:29 PMAlso - Meki, that MotherStyles book sounds awesome, should I ever stop freaking out and decide I could actually handle having kids. Man, I want to buy that book and give it to SO many people...most of whom I'm sure would never read it. ;-) -
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Re: INFJ mothers / parents
Fri, October 16, 2009 - 9:28 PMThank everyone for your input, I really appreciate your thoughts and sentiment.
Parenting is hard work and I think most people think I make it harder than it has to be.
For example tonight the three of us (Robert-husband, Colin - son, and I) went out pizza. While there we noticed that most families or groups had all the adults at one table and all the kids at another. We were APPALLED. I can understand doing this in your home but in a restaurant was just shocking to me. I couldn't believe the adults were leaving children - some were 3-4 yrs old-to just manage themselves without any supervision. And of course the kids were running around acting crazy and the adults were just ignoring them like...we are over here so its not our responsibility. Small children needed help with their hot food and it seemed as if the staff was having to manage a table of children. It was Ridiculous. It certainly disrupted my dinner and we thought how inconsiderate it was for them to impose this situation on everyone else in the restaurant.
This happens everywhere. Parents just seem to ignore their children whenever and where ever leaving them to run amok in society.
We sat there and talked about why this is probably why we think parenting is a lot of work and why some people think it's not that big of a deal, because they just aren't paying attention and treating their children like they do their jobs or other things that need work and will have a lasting impact on their future.
I will admit that I would be the adult that would feel compelled to sit at the kids table to make sure they were taken care of and not left to their own devices. And that would make me the "over protective control freak", but I am also the one that is the first to ride with them in the go cart, the friend they need to play Nintendo with and most of the time the parent they run to when they are hurt or scared. My friends children count on me as a friend and as a mother,and they know exactly what to expect from me and that they can count on me to not only support them and play with them but to help them make good choices and show them that I am paying attention to them and what they are doing.
It's exhausting to want/try to be the best you can be, to be a perfectionist, but it won't ever stop me from trying.
I think the world and especially the children need adults that are tuned in and involved.
I think as INFJ's we can really excel at giving that kind of dedication and nurturing.
Being afraid of having a child is kind of like being afraid of being successful.
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Re: INFJ mothers / parents
Fri, October 16, 2009 - 10:00 PMYou know what the worst thing is, when parents let their babies cry in an echoey Church. Just take your kid to the back of the Church already. God will forgive you. -
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Re: INFJ mothers / parents
Mon, October 19, 2009 - 9:13 AMHeck, God might give them bonus points for it.
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Re: INFJ mothers / parents
Sat, October 24, 2009 - 7:55 PMI am the best parent I can be but I always wonder how I'm going to screw up my kid! Im protective but also am aware children sometimes have to learn for themselves why I told them "not to do that". I often say to other parents "well I warned him so it's up to him now!"
I'm not overly involved in his school however I do get a bit hot blooded when I feel his teacher has misjudged him, like it's the teachers fault she can't control her class because he's good at home.
I have a good sense of humour with my children and they are beginning to inherit this valuable trait but I also have a hot temper. Sometimes my youngest child will say something wrong, when I try to correct him and he doesn't listen I get a bit irritated.
I encourage my kids to hit back but only if they are hit first.
I like to give my kids cuddles and tickles but dont enjoy long conversations as much as they do.
I have rules and they must be obeyed by the time I count to 3, if not they get sent to their room, it's a place with no toys, only books and beds so when they do go in for discipline the worst they can do is sleep or read lol! Once I reach 3 I act otherwise if you become inconsistent they begin to play up.
I care about my kids nutrition, I dont feel comfortable stuffing them with heaps of sugar, we have very little sugary foods in the house, we dont have icecream often, or sweet lollies, I don't buy sugary cerials for them, i don't have soft drinks in the house at all they're for going out because i saw an episode of "how clean is your house" and they got rid of thick dark brown calcium stains out of a toilet with coke. I very rarely bought baby food in a jar for my kids, I prepared nutritious stews and processed them into smooth mush, they didn't like the jar food when they did get it anyway lol :D
Most if all I try to show them every day I love them and show them they're cared for and they can come to me if they break something, they can tell me if they need more attention, they are good at communicating to me what they want.
Any similarities that strike a chord with you?
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Re: INFJ mothers / parents
Sat, October 24, 2009 - 8:29 PM>Being afraid of having a child is kind of like being afraid of being successful.
I don't think that's really fair...in the latter case, it's only me that's going to be affected. -
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Re: INFJ mothers / parents
Sat, October 24, 2009 - 9:01 PMYeah its each to your own as far as Im concerned, if you dont think you should have kids or dont think it is right for you as a person then you're probably doing the right thing by not having them. -
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Re: INFJ mothers / parents
Mon, October 26, 2009 - 8:43 AMI didn't mean to offend anyone. I certainly wasn't directing that comment at anyone and it was a bit of self reflection actually.
I guess what I meant to say was that if you choose to have a child then you shouldn't be afraid of whether you will be successful at parenting, of course you will be successful.
Sorry if there was any offense in my miscommunication. There was none intended. -
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Re: INFJ mothers / parents
Mon, October 26, 2009 - 9:05 PMDon't worry Shif.
I am the one who people get pissed off at.
I'll take the shit.
I am used to it. -
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Re: INFJ mothers / parents
Tue, October 27, 2009 - 5:48 PMEd :)
( said endearingly)
Unfortunately people get pissed off at me too }: /
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Re: INFJ mothers / parents
Tue, October 27, 2009 - 8:09 PMNo problem, thanks for clarifying. :-)
